Who knows

Every time I return home, a surge of emotions and memories well up within me, and the mix of pain and comfort and joy makes me feel like I have already lived a lifetime, despite my young age. The house I return to is the same one I have spent all of my childhood, where there have been so many beginnings and endings. I find myself thinking of summers, high school, my father, my first love, my first child, my first husband, and then the unraveling of all those chapters.

So often I thought my heart would never recover from being broken so many times, and in so many pieces, but here I am. Heart still intact. Still beating. And sometimes it surprises me. But I am thankful to the Lord who has put it back together.

One would assume that after certain experiences in life you would remember to make an deliberate intention to live, not to worry, know what you want, and know who truly is in control. How I wish those lessons would be more permantly etched in my heart and I could carry the wisdom with me. But it seems as though I forget after time passes.

At the moment the most alarming realization is that I don't know what I want anymore. I used to know. Or at least I thought so. But now that reality has changed and my next steps are a blank. That's okay. Probably normal for where I am. But it leaves me with little direction, no actions to take and on somewhat unshakey ground. The biggest revelation with this is that I might not know for awhile. It could take time.

So. I'll take it.

Time that is.

Because that's all I can do. And pray and have faith that God and I will walk together, wherever I am supposed to go.

I'll just be.