The Enema of Love

Watching (500) Days of Summer made me think about love. The film touched on basic truths like romantic comedies create a false reality that people can never recreate in their daily lives. If your love life is like a romantic comedy then I give you mad props. The only time that I have had a relationship close to what I see in the movies, complete compatibility it turned out that that person did not think of me romantically at all. So when I exposed my heart like that it just killed the friendship. Because really that all it was. I was just confused. You have to think if its this good then it must be love. But it wasn't. This was the first time I think that I experienced true heart break. It took months to get over. Now that I am better and am in love, I look back on that time with confusion. Sometimes when I see him my heart still races, but its not attraction, at least not physically. We never had that. It made me sick to my stomach to think of him in that way and now and then he writes me or I see him and he says how he misses me. I want to be friends, but pride keeps us apart. I think on both sides. I look at my love now and I think how confused I have been. He isn't going to open to adventure or doing random things, but he loves me with a desperation that makes me shiver now just thinking about it. The same hunger I see in his eyes are reflected back in mine. Is that love? There are things about him that I wish I could change, but then he would not be him. So I love him for all his flaws. Some of them even make me laugh. Lord knows that I am not flawless, although he would like to think so. Is is bad to say that his desperation for me makes me happy. Its like I know how much he loves me. I hope those feelings never change. All though most do. Its weird that as a society we still try to make marriage work even though its been proven to fail. Its like we need the constant in the equation. It provides stability. We may not know what a and b are, but the equal sign will always be there. I love to love him and I love watching our relationship grow and change. He is mine and I am his. forever.

Everything Looks Perfect from Far Away

I am so frustrated with life and love right now. It's my life. I should have some control over it, but when it comes to love I feel powerless. I love someone that says he loves me back, but for some reason there is something inside of him and maybe inside of all of us that is trying to destroy our love. The only thing I can think of why you would destroy your own happiness is FEAR. Fear that love does not exist and that no one is truly happy. Happiness is a state of mind. So I can choose to be happy no matter what. I could lie to myself and say that the other person I love is happy and being faithful and therefore making me happy. You want to propose but you can't help flirting with other women and keeping old relationships open for possibilities. You tell me I am the one you want to build a life with which makes me laugh out loud to keep from crying when I see that you have been leading other women on who say they miss you and elude to other things. WHAT DO YOU WANT? If you don't want me then just let me go. I nor anyone else should settle or except excuses that the other is trying to be faithful but its really hard. Its hard because you make it hard. I don't go out flirt with other people and then hit them up on Facebook to continue the dangerous game of who is going to make a move. But I could be that girl. Just like you could be that guy that does not play with other women's emotions just so you can say that you are a player and pimp. And don't feed me that bullshit that you can't be mean to anyone and you don't like to hurt people's feelings. That is total horseshit. But you will never hear any of these. I believe things will play out the way they are meant to. So if you are false, your true nature will come out. You can't hid who you are forever. Until that day, I love you.

:|

Sometimes the revelations from this year of recovery is just too much to handle.

Thus far, this week, I have discovered that I am a woman who loves too much and has a jealousy problem. The flaws feel insurmountable sometimes! Like there's no real chance that I am going to have a healthy, balanced relationship EVER. And it's going to be due, mostly, to my downfalls.

Eeeeeeeekk.

The Break

Sometimes I feel worse after I talk to him.

Starting yesterday, I have a 12 day break from the couple we have fallen into. I'm a bit sad and apprehensive, not to be by myself, but more so how the time is going to pass. Wishing this time away would be a shame, but somehow the days seem less full without him.

The upsetting moment this morning was after talking to him about his previous day, and feeling like he didn't miss me at all. Wouldn't someone in love miss me if I wasn't there to share in the fun things with him? I don't know. I am also hyper sensitive and everyone needs time apart, which is a healthy thing.

When these emotions well up I feel like I need to choose. Is it worth it? Cut it off. Shut down. Don't expose yourself and your fears to someone else. That way if something goes wrong the un-attachment will be easier. If he's not what I want then f* him, move on. I get upset sometimes when he doesn't act or say what I want, but that's unrealistic on my part. I am very afraid to be hurt again, but what is the risk of love without hurt?

(1 hour later)

He called and made everything okay with one little sentence.

*sigh* boys

A Hollow Heart in a bottomless bed

There is something missing in me. I don't know if it was always missing or I started to feel empty like this after I got into my relationship. I write because I am tired of crying. I never feel more alone than when I have to sleep in my boyfriend's bed, which is supposed to be my bed, ALONE. I have so many complicated emotions, I don't even understand. Why does it make me cry? Is it because I feel rejected, not loved, unwanted? I know he wants me, but maybe not in the way that I need. My mother warned me. She did it in a literal term, saying don't expect him to be there walking with you and the baby in a stroller in the park. What I think she meant is that men can not fulfill the things inside you that are missing. I think what my mother wanted most was to be a happy family, maybe something she never had. What I want is to feel smothered by love. I push people away afraid to feel in that way, and when I try to give my heart to someone that I feel will return it, he is not capable in the way that I want. In movies, everything turns out perfect, but in life its never that easy. I remember a movie with Sandra Bullock, her father in the movie, asked her if she had been loved enough. She had been fighting the whole movie and at that point she broke down. That's how i feel. I know that I had a hard childhood and I have abandonment issues, but I never thought it would come up to haunt me like this. I feel like I can't breathe. I start crying and he rolls over, snoring louder. I wonder if he truly knows how screwed up I am. He can't feel or fill this void in me. That I understand, but I still cry. I still feel hollow most when I sleep in his king size bed alone. I know if I was not here, he would sleep in it. Now I can't even look at it. So I sit here on the couch, feet away from him clearing my mind, and emptying my heart on blog hoping my soul can be restored. What is the answer? Do I just get over myself or do I break up with him? I feel like I have always been running away, afraid to feel. So I want to stay. Why is he incapable of loving me in the way that I want? Its like a battle, struggling over control. Should I give up? I am too young to give up. There are so many things that I love about him, but one major thing that I don't love about him is the way he makes me feel so raw emotionally and vulnerable. I can't stop the train and I am afraid to jump.

SOULMATES

SOME THINGS YOU WANT JUST WILL NEVER BE RIGHT.

That's how I feel right now. I can't even concentrate. It started out so innocent. I wasn't even upset. Then the day went by and I talked to my cousin and my friend about it. To them it was unacceptable behavior. But what do you do once your heart is already in it? Do you just take the abuse until its more than you can take or do you just swallow it all. Don't get me wrong. He's a great boyfriend, as far as I can tell. Then this other person appears in text messages and emails. Who is this man that asks to see other girls breasts over text messages and betrays his girlfriend with a lust that drives him beyond his consciousness. Because if he was conscious of what he was doing, he wouldn't do it right? When we are together it is almost perfect.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that he is hiding who he really is. I am afraid because we are young we will hurt each other. I am afraid the pain will never leave. I am afraid that I will become my mother and be this codependent blob that's always puts the man first before her own needs and her children's. I'm just scared and sometimes I don't even know why. He is not helping by creating distrust in our relationship. Yes I should not look through his phone and yes I should not read his email online. I wish I never had.

I was reading Eat Pray Love and it talks about soul mates and how people think their soul mates are your perfect fit. Someone that completes you. But a true soul mate is someone that acts as a mirror. That person shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A soul mate is probably the most important person you will meet because they help you tear down the walls in your life that keep you from actually experiencing it. Smacking you awake. But you aren't meant to be with that person for life. It is too painful. To me that is the most ironic thing, I think, because that person has the most influence over who you become in life, but you will never be able to love them truly because it is too painful.

Why do we try to fight the inevitable. We will all eventually die. Why fight it with exercise, diet, and botox? We know that we will be burned by love, our heart scorched. But we try to control love and the circumstances that might lead to a Frankenstein heart with stitches and staples pulsing.

I was talking to an older friend, and she was talking about the one thing she wanted most was a love that would last and she failed miserably at it. She is alone now and her only daughter, who was the recipient of most of her love, lives 1000 miles away. I see myself in her and I am trying to learn from her and not perpetuate that existence. But I feel like it is something I have no control over. I don't know if its destiny or something else, but that's how i feel.

Soul mates come into your life to reveal another layer to your being, but continue on and we are probably better for it. So why does it seem everything that is taught to us, is a misperception, a lie, a fable. Would it not be better to present life like it really is versus creating this Candyland where you are constantly getting stuck on the ladder and never able to bathe in the pool of chocolate bliss.

A soul mates purpose is to break your heart so new light can be let in.

Wednesday

I'm not sure how long I can continue to do what I'm doing. This thought reoccurs every couple weeks or so. The problem is all of the emotions and things in life I am working through, and if they are specific to this one person or apply to all men in general.

My most recent revelation is that it is uncomfortable to be with someone whom I haven't known for most of my/his life. Other relationships have been with people I grew up or we were at the same university. The idea that I will not know a person's life at least 25 plus years is just strange. The older we get the larger the amount of time will be that life has passed without knowing who this person is/was before. Maybe I focus too much on the past. I just always wanted to do things in order (ha) and be with someone whom I have known. This can be a good and fun thing, but it's scary right now.

There's no way around it now so I should make peace, not worry and just keep going. Still is new though...