A Hollow Heart in a bottomless bed

There is something missing in me. I don't know if it was always missing or I started to feel empty like this after I got into my relationship. I write because I am tired of crying. I never feel more alone than when I have to sleep in my boyfriend's bed, which is supposed to be my bed, ALONE. I have so many complicated emotions, I don't even understand. Why does it make me cry? Is it because I feel rejected, not loved, unwanted? I know he wants me, but maybe not in the way that I need. My mother warned me. She did it in a literal term, saying don't expect him to be there walking with you and the baby in a stroller in the park. What I think she meant is that men can not fulfill the things inside you that are missing. I think what my mother wanted most was to be a happy family, maybe something she never had. What I want is to feel smothered by love. I push people away afraid to feel in that way, and when I try to give my heart to someone that I feel will return it, he is not capable in the way that I want. In movies, everything turns out perfect, but in life its never that easy. I remember a movie with Sandra Bullock, her father in the movie, asked her if she had been loved enough. She had been fighting the whole movie and at that point she broke down. That's how i feel. I know that I had a hard childhood and I have abandonment issues, but I never thought it would come up to haunt me like this. I feel like I can't breathe. I start crying and he rolls over, snoring louder. I wonder if he truly knows how screwed up I am. He can't feel or fill this void in me. That I understand, but I still cry. I still feel hollow most when I sleep in his king size bed alone. I know if I was not here, he would sleep in it. Now I can't even look at it. So I sit here on the couch, feet away from him clearing my mind, and emptying my heart on blog hoping my soul can be restored. What is the answer? Do I just get over myself or do I break up with him? I feel like I have always been running away, afraid to feel. So I want to stay. Why is he incapable of loving me in the way that I want? Its like a battle, struggling over control. Should I give up? I am too young to give up. There are so many things that I love about him, but one major thing that I don't love about him is the way he makes me feel so raw emotionally and vulnerable. I can't stop the train and I am afraid to jump.