SOULMATES

SOME THINGS YOU WANT JUST WILL NEVER BE RIGHT.

That's how I feel right now. I can't even concentrate. It started out so innocent. I wasn't even upset. Then the day went by and I talked to my cousin and my friend about it. To them it was unacceptable behavior. But what do you do once your heart is already in it? Do you just take the abuse until its more than you can take or do you just swallow it all. Don't get me wrong. He's a great boyfriend, as far as I can tell. Then this other person appears in text messages and emails. Who is this man that asks to see other girls breasts over text messages and betrays his girlfriend with a lust that drives him beyond his consciousness. Because if he was conscious of what he was doing, he wouldn't do it right? When we are together it is almost perfect.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that he is hiding who he really is. I am afraid because we are young we will hurt each other. I am afraid the pain will never leave. I am afraid that I will become my mother and be this codependent blob that's always puts the man first before her own needs and her children's. I'm just scared and sometimes I don't even know why. He is not helping by creating distrust in our relationship. Yes I should not look through his phone and yes I should not read his email online. I wish I never had.

I was reading Eat Pray Love and it talks about soul mates and how people think their soul mates are your perfect fit. Someone that completes you. But a true soul mate is someone that acts as a mirror. That person shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A soul mate is probably the most important person you will meet because they help you tear down the walls in your life that keep you from actually experiencing it. Smacking you awake. But you aren't meant to be with that person for life. It is too painful. To me that is the most ironic thing, I think, because that person has the most influence over who you become in life, but you will never be able to love them truly because it is too painful.

Why do we try to fight the inevitable. We will all eventually die. Why fight it with exercise, diet, and botox? We know that we will be burned by love, our heart scorched. But we try to control love and the circumstances that might lead to a Frankenstein heart with stitches and staples pulsing.

I was talking to an older friend, and she was talking about the one thing she wanted most was a love that would last and she failed miserably at it. She is alone now and her only daughter, who was the recipient of most of her love, lives 1000 miles away. I see myself in her and I am trying to learn from her and not perpetuate that existence. But I feel like it is something I have no control over. I don't know if its destiny or something else, but that's how i feel.

Soul mates come into your life to reveal another layer to your being, but continue on and we are probably better for it. So why does it seem everything that is taught to us, is a misperception, a lie, a fable. Would it not be better to present life like it really is versus creating this Candyland where you are constantly getting stuck on the ladder and never able to bathe in the pool of chocolate bliss.

A soul mates purpose is to break your heart so new light can be let in.