SOULMATES

SOME THINGS YOU WANT JUST WILL NEVER BE RIGHT.

That's how I feel right now. I can't even concentrate. It started out so innocent. I wasn't even upset. Then the day went by and I talked to my cousin and my friend about it. To them it was unacceptable behavior. But what do you do once your heart is already in it? Do you just take the abuse until its more than you can take or do you just swallow it all. Don't get me wrong. He's a great boyfriend, as far as I can tell. Then this other person appears in text messages and emails. Who is this man that asks to see other girls breasts over text messages and betrays his girlfriend with a lust that drives him beyond his consciousness. Because if he was conscious of what he was doing, he wouldn't do it right? When we are together it is almost perfect.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that he is hiding who he really is. I am afraid because we are young we will hurt each other. I am afraid the pain will never leave. I am afraid that I will become my mother and be this codependent blob that's always puts the man first before her own needs and her children's. I'm just scared and sometimes I don't even know why. He is not helping by creating distrust in our relationship. Yes I should not look through his phone and yes I should not read his email online. I wish I never had.

I was reading Eat Pray Love and it talks about soul mates and how people think their soul mates are your perfect fit. Someone that completes you. But a true soul mate is someone that acts as a mirror. That person shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A soul mate is probably the most important person you will meet because they help you tear down the walls in your life that keep you from actually experiencing it. Smacking you awake. But you aren't meant to be with that person for life. It is too painful. To me that is the most ironic thing, I think, because that person has the most influence over who you become in life, but you will never be able to love them truly because it is too painful.

Why do we try to fight the inevitable. We will all eventually die. Why fight it with exercise, diet, and botox? We know that we will be burned by love, our heart scorched. But we try to control love and the circumstances that might lead to a Frankenstein heart with stitches and staples pulsing.

I was talking to an older friend, and she was talking about the one thing she wanted most was a love that would last and she failed miserably at it. She is alone now and her only daughter, who was the recipient of most of her love, lives 1000 miles away. I see myself in her and I am trying to learn from her and not perpetuate that existence. But I feel like it is something I have no control over. I don't know if its destiny or something else, but that's how i feel.

Soul mates come into your life to reveal another layer to your being, but continue on and we are probably better for it. So why does it seem everything that is taught to us, is a misperception, a lie, a fable. Would it not be better to present life like it really is versus creating this Candyland where you are constantly getting stuck on the ladder and never able to bathe in the pool of chocolate bliss.

A soul mates purpose is to break your heart so new light can be let in.

Wednesday

I'm not sure how long I can continue to do what I'm doing. This thought reoccurs every couple weeks or so. The problem is all of the emotions and things in life I am working through, and if they are specific to this one person or apply to all men in general.

My most recent revelation is that it is uncomfortable to be with someone whom I haven't known for most of my/his life. Other relationships have been with people I grew up or we were at the same university. The idea that I will not know a person's life at least 25 plus years is just strange. The older we get the larger the amount of time will be that life has passed without knowing who this person is/was before. Maybe I focus too much on the past. I just always wanted to do things in order (ha) and be with someone whom I have known. This can be a good and fun thing, but it's scary right now.

There's no way around it now so I should make peace, not worry and just keep going. Still is new though...

Is it Friday yet?

I need an escape.

Saturday morning cannot come soon enough, when I can board a plane and be on my way to my two best friends, my sisters. It's been such a long time since we have all been in the same place. My soul will be restored a bit more just by being in their presence.

This week is a week where either a large amount of ice cream and or good drink is necessary. Okay, that or maybe a lot of prayer and working my inner thoughts out with the Lord.

Everything is in question. My work, my goals, where I want to be, the boy...

Part of me hopes that the power of the three of us together can unravel all of our problems we are dealing with, past and current, and so I can come back and have clear direction. Lofty of me?

But despite all that feels unsettled in my life I am happy and thankful I have not one, but TWO friends who know me inside and out. Thank you Jesus for K and M.

Who knows

Every time I return home, a surge of emotions and memories well up within me, and the mix of pain and comfort and joy makes me feel like I have already lived a lifetime, despite my young age. The house I return to is the same one I have spent all of my childhood, where there have been so many beginnings and endings. I find myself thinking of summers, high school, my father, my first love, my first child, my first husband, and then the unraveling of all those chapters.

So often I thought my heart would never recover from being broken so many times, and in so many pieces, but here I am. Heart still intact. Still beating. And sometimes it surprises me. But I am thankful to the Lord who has put it back together.

One would assume that after certain experiences in life you would remember to make an deliberate intention to live, not to worry, know what you want, and know who truly is in control. How I wish those lessons would be more permantly etched in my heart and I could carry the wisdom with me. But it seems as though I forget after time passes.

At the moment the most alarming realization is that I don't know what I want anymore. I used to know. Or at least I thought so. But now that reality has changed and my next steps are a blank. That's okay. Probably normal for where I am. But it leaves me with little direction, no actions to take and on somewhat unshakey ground. The biggest revelation with this is that I might not know for awhile. It could take time.

So. I'll take it.

Time that is.

Because that's all I can do. And pray and have faith that God and I will walk together, wherever I am supposed to go.

I'll just be.