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Sometimes the revelations from this year of recovery is just too much to handle.

Thus far, this week, I have discovered that I am a woman who loves too much and has a jealousy problem. The flaws feel insurmountable sometimes! Like there's no real chance that I am going to have a healthy, balanced relationship EVER. And it's going to be due, mostly, to my downfalls.

Eeeeeeeekk.

The Break

Sometimes I feel worse after I talk to him.

Starting yesterday, I have a 12 day break from the couple we have fallen into. I'm a bit sad and apprehensive, not to be by myself, but more so how the time is going to pass. Wishing this time away would be a shame, but somehow the days seem less full without him.

The upsetting moment this morning was after talking to him about his previous day, and feeling like he didn't miss me at all. Wouldn't someone in love miss me if I wasn't there to share in the fun things with him? I don't know. I am also hyper sensitive and everyone needs time apart, which is a healthy thing.

When these emotions well up I feel like I need to choose. Is it worth it? Cut it off. Shut down. Don't expose yourself and your fears to someone else. That way if something goes wrong the un-attachment will be easier. If he's not what I want then f* him, move on. I get upset sometimes when he doesn't act or say what I want, but that's unrealistic on my part. I am very afraid to be hurt again, but what is the risk of love without hurt?

(1 hour later)

He called and made everything okay with one little sentence.

*sigh* boys

A Hollow Heart in a bottomless bed

There is something missing in me. I don't know if it was always missing or I started to feel empty like this after I got into my relationship. I write because I am tired of crying. I never feel more alone than when I have to sleep in my boyfriend's bed, which is supposed to be my bed, ALONE. I have so many complicated emotions, I don't even understand. Why does it make me cry? Is it because I feel rejected, not loved, unwanted? I know he wants me, but maybe not in the way that I need. My mother warned me. She did it in a literal term, saying don't expect him to be there walking with you and the baby in a stroller in the park. What I think she meant is that men can not fulfill the things inside you that are missing. I think what my mother wanted most was to be a happy family, maybe something she never had. What I want is to feel smothered by love. I push people away afraid to feel in that way, and when I try to give my heart to someone that I feel will return it, he is not capable in the way that I want. In movies, everything turns out perfect, but in life its never that easy. I remember a movie with Sandra Bullock, her father in the movie, asked her if she had been loved enough. She had been fighting the whole movie and at that point she broke down. That's how i feel. I know that I had a hard childhood and I have abandonment issues, but I never thought it would come up to haunt me like this. I feel like I can't breathe. I start crying and he rolls over, snoring louder. I wonder if he truly knows how screwed up I am. He can't feel or fill this void in me. That I understand, but I still cry. I still feel hollow most when I sleep in his king size bed alone. I know if I was not here, he would sleep in it. Now I can't even look at it. So I sit here on the couch, feet away from him clearing my mind, and emptying my heart on blog hoping my soul can be restored. What is the answer? Do I just get over myself or do I break up with him? I feel like I have always been running away, afraid to feel. So I want to stay. Why is he incapable of loving me in the way that I want? Its like a battle, struggling over control. Should I give up? I am too young to give up. There are so many things that I love about him, but one major thing that I don't love about him is the way he makes me feel so raw emotionally and vulnerable. I can't stop the train and I am afraid to jump.