SOULMATES

SOME THINGS YOU WANT JUST WILL NEVER BE RIGHT.

That's how I feel right now. I can't even concentrate. It started out so innocent. I wasn't even upset. Then the day went by and I talked to my cousin and my friend about it. To them it was unacceptable behavior. But what do you do once your heart is already in it? Do you just take the abuse until its more than you can take or do you just swallow it all. Don't get me wrong. He's a great boyfriend, as far as I can tell. Then this other person appears in text messages and emails. Who is this man that asks to see other girls breasts over text messages and betrays his girlfriend with a lust that drives him beyond his consciousness. Because if he was conscious of what he was doing, he wouldn't do it right? When we are together it is almost perfect.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that he is hiding who he really is. I am afraid because we are young we will hurt each other. I am afraid the pain will never leave. I am afraid that I will become my mother and be this codependent blob that's always puts the man first before her own needs and her children's. I'm just scared and sometimes I don't even know why. He is not helping by creating distrust in our relationship. Yes I should not look through his phone and yes I should not read his email online. I wish I never had.

I was reading Eat Pray Love and it talks about soul mates and how people think their soul mates are your perfect fit. Someone that completes you. But a true soul mate is someone that acts as a mirror. That person shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A soul mate is probably the most important person you will meet because they help you tear down the walls in your life that keep you from actually experiencing it. Smacking you awake. But you aren't meant to be with that person for life. It is too painful. To me that is the most ironic thing, I think, because that person has the most influence over who you become in life, but you will never be able to love them truly because it is too painful.

Why do we try to fight the inevitable. We will all eventually die. Why fight it with exercise, diet, and botox? We know that we will be burned by love, our heart scorched. But we try to control love and the circumstances that might lead to a Frankenstein heart with stitches and staples pulsing.

I was talking to an older friend, and she was talking about the one thing she wanted most was a love that would last and she failed miserably at it. She is alone now and her only daughter, who was the recipient of most of her love, lives 1000 miles away. I see myself in her and I am trying to learn from her and not perpetuate that existence. But I feel like it is something I have no control over. I don't know if its destiny or something else, but that's how i feel.

Soul mates come into your life to reveal another layer to your being, but continue on and we are probably better for it. So why does it seem everything that is taught to us, is a misperception, a lie, a fable. Would it not be better to present life like it really is versus creating this Candyland where you are constantly getting stuck on the ladder and never able to bathe in the pool of chocolate bliss.

A soul mates purpose is to break your heart so new light can be let in.

Wednesday

I'm not sure how long I can continue to do what I'm doing. This thought reoccurs every couple weeks or so. The problem is all of the emotions and things in life I am working through, and if they are specific to this one person or apply to all men in general.

My most recent revelation is that it is uncomfortable to be with someone whom I haven't known for most of my/his life. Other relationships have been with people I grew up or we were at the same university. The idea that I will not know a person's life at least 25 plus years is just strange. The older we get the larger the amount of time will be that life has passed without knowing who this person is/was before. Maybe I focus too much on the past. I just always wanted to do things in order (ha) and be with someone whom I have known. This can be a good and fun thing, but it's scary right now.

There's no way around it now so I should make peace, not worry and just keep going. Still is new though...

Is it Friday yet?

I need an escape.

Saturday morning cannot come soon enough, when I can board a plane and be on my way to my two best friends, my sisters. It's been such a long time since we have all been in the same place. My soul will be restored a bit more just by being in their presence.

This week is a week where either a large amount of ice cream and or good drink is necessary. Okay, that or maybe a lot of prayer and working my inner thoughts out with the Lord.

Everything is in question. My work, my goals, where I want to be, the boy...

Part of me hopes that the power of the three of us together can unravel all of our problems we are dealing with, past and current, and so I can come back and have clear direction. Lofty of me?

But despite all that feels unsettled in my life I am happy and thankful I have not one, but TWO friends who know me inside and out. Thank you Jesus for K and M.

Who knows

Every time I return home, a surge of emotions and memories well up within me, and the mix of pain and comfort and joy makes me feel like I have already lived a lifetime, despite my young age. The house I return to is the same one I have spent all of my childhood, where there have been so many beginnings and endings. I find myself thinking of summers, high school, my father, my first love, my first child, my first husband, and then the unraveling of all those chapters.

So often I thought my heart would never recover from being broken so many times, and in so many pieces, but here I am. Heart still intact. Still beating. And sometimes it surprises me. But I am thankful to the Lord who has put it back together.

One would assume that after certain experiences in life you would remember to make an deliberate intention to live, not to worry, know what you want, and know who truly is in control. How I wish those lessons would be more permantly etched in my heart and I could carry the wisdom with me. But it seems as though I forget after time passes.

At the moment the most alarming realization is that I don't know what I want anymore. I used to know. Or at least I thought so. But now that reality has changed and my next steps are a blank. That's okay. Probably normal for where I am. But it leaves me with little direction, no actions to take and on somewhat unshakey ground. The biggest revelation with this is that I might not know for awhile. It could take time.

So. I'll take it.

Time that is.

Because that's all I can do. And pray and have faith that God and I will walk together, wherever I am supposed to go.

I'll just be.

Only Believers in Death Will Die

"My purpose is to make my soul rhyme with my mind." -Saul Williams




If you give in to this melodic siren-like trance walk through life, then you will never rise to the understanding of what it means to be human, to be alive. Fear can not be found in this realm of being, where you transcend the metaphysical and become more than molecules or anything that has been named by man, but goes beyond man's understanding as a whole. This is a place I imagine often and I wish it was just instinct for me to go there, but its not. I am constantly trying to train my thoughts not to focus on things of this world that are all dying. To rise above the the unspoken words, broken hearts, unending loneliness, and false intentions.

Yes I expect a lot of people, because I hold myself to those same standards. I will not judge you if you fail to rise to this place of truth and pure love, but you will have lost a place in my heart. When I see a flaw, I might attack it, because it's a weakness that bares it's underpinnings to me, asking to be plucked. I wish I could rise above the pettiness. How can I ask someone to be above it all, when I don't even much less have enough hot air to fill my own balloon? What would be ideal is if someone came along that pulled me to that ethereal plain of consciousness. In life there seems to be this whole cycle where each species feeds off of each other. No one can do anything alone. The more I see myself as an island, the more that I separate myself from truth. I may not have the words to articulate this, but the feeling inside me resounds that this is a constant, eternal reality.

People say to me over and over again. You think too much. What does that mean? Seriously I don't know what they mean when they say that. I wish I could just walk around and the only thing that crosses my mind is what kind of hair spray I am going to use. I don't even use hair spray. God gave me this mind. I can not help but use it. Knowledge, contemplation, and awareness of my existence is not a curse to me. It just means that I am painfully more aware of my surroundings in this life, and I will experience more reaction to the actions in my life. I have to take responsibility. I can not just blame others for hurting me. If I laid down like a door mat, what am I to expect but to be walked on. To change is even harder than to accept your plight. I have decided to change. That is my New Year's resolution to myself. It will be hard. It will be depressingly lonely, but I am used to those circumstances. If things had stayed good much longer, I would have created something to shake things up. Which is basically what I did. Deep down I knew something, that may not resonate now, but I have invited truth to dwell in me and guide me. So I have hope. I have faith in tomorrow.

Dreaming of Poetry

I thought you were the one.
Me and you.
One + one makes one.
But I was never good and math
and the number multiplied.

And still I fell deep...into slumber,
but we could not sleep.
Our insominiac hearts kept us up
going beep beep....beep beep.

Revive my soul with your kisses.
Hold my hand or you'll miss this.
See it burning bright in the sky?
So hot, too hot to follow
Short lived and now hollow.

----------------------------
SUFFER QUIETLY

Forget I can't say what I want to say
b/c were not together in that way.
I can't help but feel the way some kill
And this seems so real.

This idea of love is strong.
So complete
The possibilities infinite in its desire...
for more.
More of your self, your soul and
More of your heart

Eating away at us like corroding acid,
I flashback to pass trips,
Where the conversation dipped.
And I could have sworn we slipped.
Slipped into truth that was hot like a boling pot.

Bathing in lust until our skin became rust
Like the tin man, if I only had a brain,
Cause now our love is pain,
once fulfulling, forever forsaken.

Shameless!

Sitting in my office on a Tuesday afternoon and all I can think about is this. Pictured to the right is a beverage straight from heaven, a green tea frappacino. I don't mean to promote a certain Seattle based coffee cooperate powerhouse, but this drink is so good! Like spring in a cup.

We all do seem to be under attack lately. What does that mean? It must mean something if God and spiritual forces won't leave us alone. All I can say is the best we can do is hold on and fight. And when we can't fight, just hold on.

Ask and you shall receive

Funny you should ask about desserts...Last night I made oats bars, one of which I finished off just before posting. They are bars/fruit crumble, healthy/satisfying and all in all yummy.

Oat bars

Ingredients:
1 1/2 c. oats
3/4 c. wheat flour
3/4 c. all purpose flour
3/4 c. brown sugar - packed down
3/4 t. baking soda
1 t. salt
1 stick of butter
4-5 T. buttermilk - or milk would be okay
2/3 c. fruit preserves or jam - whatever fruit you like, go with preserves if you like chunky fruit, jam if you want a thinner fruit filling
opt. - 1/3 c. chopped walnuts or pecans

Directions:
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Mix the first 6 ingredients in a bowl. Blend in the stick of butter until there are no large chunks left. Add in 4 T. of buttermilk, throw in another tablespoon if the crumble looks dry. If including nuts, add in at this stage.

Grease a 9x9 or 8x8 square baking pan with non-stick cooking spray. Divide the crumble dough in half and press in the bottom of the pan. Then spread the jam/preserves on the bottom crust. Pat in the rest of the dough over the jam.

Bake for 20-25 minutes.

Eat it warm with ice cream, or else cooled and cut into bars for breakfast or a snack.

Dazed and Confused

I wrote a poem once, that started off I go through life without drive. Well I have the drive now and I don't feel lost, but then I do. The past week or so I have just been wandering through life. But that does not make the experience any less, I am just more easily amazed by things. Like I'll be driving and be like wow how did I end up here. Totally out of it. LOL Its such a funny thing. I don't really care about anything. Its like a smoked a big bag of chiba, like in one of my favorite movies Dazed and Confused, and have no ambition or concern about anything. When things don't go my way, like getting the assignments I want or getting my camera out of repair on time, I don't care. I am just oddly, blissfully, happy. Its weird. I don't think I have ever felt like this. Its our euphoria! I think I have clinically gone insane. You think I would be distraught right now, considering that I can not get the one guy I like to call me. But I am not. I am content. The best way that I can describe it is what spazz told me on the phone. I was telling her about how I was giving him space and myself as well so I could be strong in my decision to leave him alone. She said its like I was looking at a reflection of myself in a pool of water, but I couldn't see myself because there were rocks that were being thrown into the pond causing ripples. Once I stopped interacting with him and gave myself time to think, I could start to really see myself and what I really want. I thought that was a good analogy.

I think one main reason why I am so happy is because the weather has changed. It rained all day yesterday, which I really liked. I had my window open while I listened to the light drizzle and felt the humidity in the air. Today it is wonderfully sunny. How could I not be happy. I have never enjoyed the sun so much in my life. I took for granted all these years, but now that I live in Michigan, I savor it like a crisp, ripe pineapple. Can't complain. Life is good. P.S.- If you have not seen dazed and confused you should definitely check it out. One of my all time favs. Makes me wish I was 17 in 1979. I really was born in the wrong lifetime. I have an old soul. :~)

April? already?

I would just like to ask ummm when did it become April all of a sudden? No one asked me if that matters. There are about five thousand things going on, coming up, to do.

I saw our lovely friend Jess the other day. She is a glowing beautiful pregnant woman, and it was fabulous to chat with her over a brownie. She has such style. It made me think of the days when you all lived together and the times we had together.

There are many things I want to post about and then forget or don't get around to. Riveting, I know. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you girls, miss you terribly of course and are thankful for our friendship.

Love
me

Painting shadows

The husband had gotten me flowers one day, he does that quite often still, and I saw this painting. The flowers casted an intricate shadow on the table, and so I twirled the vase around until I got a satisfactory composition. From there I traced the outlines of the different shapes the flowers were making on my canvas and painted them in three different shades of green, a taupe and white.

A little rusty

I have picked up my paint brushes after taking a 5 year hiatus. Lately flowers have been my inspiration and orchids are next in line. I also have this slight obsession with cherry blossoms. Maybe it's the Asian in me.

Take My Life From Me

Rejection.
Once again I am rejected. I knew it was only a matter of time. I was talking to God and I told him if I can't give my life to you then take it from me. I guess I got what I wanted whether I like it or not. Tonight, I was suppossed to be going out with Brian. But I guess its not going to happen now. Yesterday, he text-messaged me all night. Asking me what I was wearing, if he could come over, and after I said no, he wanted to meet me somewhere. I told him that I'll see him tomorrow and he text messaged back MAYBE. That really hurt and said a lot about his character. I texted back thats mean. He might have thought that I was out with another guy and thats why I said no, but there was no other guy. Whatever girl did him over, she did it good. He is so untrusting of females. He can trust me though. I am not one of those scandalous girls in Detroit. So if we did go out on date tonight, we would probably have done naughty things, cause I can not control myself when I am around him. So thats where God comes in to the picture. He has been there all along, but he is trying to save me, because I prayed for his grace. I am so confused and don't know what to do. I have fallen so far I do not know how to get back to where I was. I am hurt but not that hurt. More confused than anything. But luckily while I was writing this and feeling lonely, Spazz called me! God sent me an angel. We talked for like an hour. It was fun and it helped me get through the night. Why is it that I am attracted to him, and he some of the worst character traits. Its like I can't see past the good to see the bile that lies underneath, even when it comes to the surface. I mean how shady was it of him to make plans with me and then just disappear? Like I am not going to see him at work. But thats cool. I am just glad that I found out now before things got too serious. Thats what I want to believe thats how I really feel. While I am typing this I know I should believe that hes a jerk, but inside I am feeling something different. I think its because I want it to work out. In side I am thinking he was hurt that I did not meet him at Woodward Friday and thinks that I am playing games. So of course he responded the way he did. Its a sad, sad thing, this abyss of emotions. So today I am going to church and its a beautiful sunny day! Thanks God for your mercy. I am not worthy, but grateful.

Ear candy

I'm loving these earrings by www.jools.us

Affordable and beautiful. I gave the husband a little nudge in regards to the upcoming anniversary. Souldelightful didn't like the first ones, so I threw the second pair up just for her. :) If you like them or not!

Hablamos espanol?

The other night the husband and I went to a new restaurant in town. It is a Taqueria and it was FAB U LOUS. When we walked in the restaurant there were no other non-spanish speaking people there. If an ethnic restaurant is filled with people of that ethnicity, chances are it's pretty darn good. How authentic would a Chinese restaurant be if it was filled with Caucasian people? Chinese people want real Chinese food, not an Americanized replacement. Okay, aaaannd rant done.

Anyway, the Taqueria boasts about real authentic Mexican food and that's exactly what we got. They had six main dish offerings with your choice of meat, half of the meats we didn't recognize because they were in spanish. I got two chicken tacos and the husband got a gordita. The tacos were wonderful and filled with spicy white meat chicken, onions, cilantro, fresh lime juice on white corn tortillas. The gordita had barbacoa stuffed in between two round fried yellow corn cakes, cheese, and onions with lettuce, avacado and tomato on the side. The salsa was wonderful, I could have lined my purse and taken some home with me.

Since then we have been two more times, we can't help ourselves. But each visit was subsequently less fulfilling. I think it's because we had so much the first time because our waitress spoke very little english and got to try out our spanish without feeling stupid.

Last night

Last night the husband and I went to a banquet for Open Arms, a crisis pregnancy center. The program this year was exceptionable notable because Gianna Jessen was the keynote speaker. I feel compelled to share this because the power of her story and testament to God is overwhelming.

We had been served dinner and were finishing up our meal while Gianna was introduced. An unassuming young woman made her way up the stage with the help of a friend, she walked with a slight limp. She positioned herself in front of the microphone, while her friend sat on a stool next to her cradling a guitar. She briefly introduced herself and began singing the hymn It is Well. When she began to sing the room stopped, we were captivated. She sang with vunerability, she was singing to Jesus. Her voice was so sweet she brought tears to my eyes. In life you encounter people that have such passion, such a gift that it's impossible to attribute it to anything else but God. She is one.

Her birthmother tried to have an abortion when she was 7 1/2months pregnant. Her birthmother's womb was injected with a saline solution, toxic to the baby that would literally burn her inside and out for 18 hours. The solution would kill the baby and it would be delivered dead. But to everyone's surprise Gianna was born alive. She said that if the person performing the abortion had not been late to work that morning, she would have been killed. It is not uncommon in abortion clinics for infants to be strangled, smothered or left to die if born alive. However, the doctor was late, the nurse panicked and Gianna was sent to a hospital. The doctors said she would never hold her head up, talk or walk. As she puts it, she was also born with the gift of celebral palsey, due to lack of oxygen to her brain. She was placed in foster care and her adoptive mother worked with her until she overcome everything that everyone said she would not do. She has run a marathon and is running another next month in London. She spoke from her heart with poise, humor and confidence in the Lord. In sharp contrast to a time where people are used to apathy, she made her stances direct and concise without fear.

Gianna is a woman that people had been trying to kill for the first 17 months of her life. We were in the midst of a miracle. She is a woman who could have taken her circumstances in life and gone down a very different path. God specializes in making the impossible possible.

I wish a lot of people could have been there last night to hear her speak. I pray we all have such conviction about our purpose. Our God is big! Hallelujah!

Senate passes Born-Alive Infant Protection Act

Later that day...

Story #2
I drove back home from my aunt and uncles house. I got back with enough time to take a walk before the sun would set. It was a beautiful evening and I was walking along, making rounds in my neighborhood. During my third loop I notice an Asian woman and her daughter walking out of their door and heading my way. I smile and say hi, and the woman stops me.

"Where are your origins?" she asks animatedly.

"Korea" I reply.

She grins with excitement and says "Oooh, that's what I thought but wasn't sure, you have the korean look about you!"

"An young ha se yo" she says, and I answer with the same greeting. She then starts off with more korean, but my Korean stops at hello.

I say, "Oh no! I don't speak much, only a few phrases, and kam sam me da."

"Very good!" she exclaims and laughs. She goes on to introduce herself, her daughter, and talks a little about where they moved from.

Then she asks me this, "What do you think will happen with the world?" "Fire?"

From this point on I am unsure as to what she is trying to get at, because of the accent and broken sentences. It ends up that she is a Korean Jehovah's Witness and was trying to recruit me to go to their Korean church. She handed me a small pamplet about the end of the world and we parted. I'll give it to her, that she is going out there, living what she believes in. However no, I am not interested in becoming a Jehovah's witness. Korean or otherwise.

I should write a book about my encounters with people because of the fact that I'm Korean. It would be a best seller, seriously. Everyone loves an Asian girl.

Everyone loves an Asian girl

Last weekend I took a little road trip to my Aunt and Uncle house. It was a good time chatting, eating, and hanging out with my cousins. I have two funny stories that happened on the same day. Here's story #1:

Sunday morning we get up, head to church, sit through a service about temptation and start making our way out to the car. It also happened to be Girl Scout Sunday and my cousin's was toting a big box of girl scout cookies they had ordered. We were walking to our car when we stopped and the aunt and uncle introduced me to my cousins' friends. Meanwhile the friend's dad pulls up in his mini van.

While looking at me, the dad says to my aunt and uncle "So, are you introducing her to the world of girl scout cookies?"

My aunt, uncle and cousins chuckle, and the dad drives off.

I stood there, trying to make sense of what he was saying. I was thinking, oh my, he thinks I'm young enough to be a girl scout. Often people mistake me for being 10 years younger than I actually am, it wouldn't have been the first time that it has happened. Yes, I know, that's fabulous when you're like 40, not so fabulous when you are my age.

Five minutes later it hit me why everyone was laughing. I am Korean while the majority of my family is not, it slips my mind sometimes. He must have thought I was foreign and never had girl scout cookies before. The standing there looking perplexed, not saying anything probably contributed to that assumption. Nevermind the fact that I am as American as Jessica Simpson sitting in a Ford truck, eating apple pie, waving an American flag. But he didn't know that.

Ahhhhh. I love being Asian. But I never got a cookie.

Down with McDreamy

The one show on tv that the husband and I make a point to watch every single week is Grey's Anatomy. Sundays are reserved for our fix of surgical intern medical drama. We are so hooked. The characters are fabulous, George, Bailey, Cristina, Burke, Izzy, Alex, everyone that is but the main doctor. I know, some people just loooove Dr. McDreamy and his constant conflict about being in love with two women, BUT I simply cannot stand it! He can't have two women. He is dragging both of them along, even if he doesn't flat out say it. He started a relationship with Meredith, an intern, however all this time he is married. MARRIED. He fled across the country because his wife cheated on him with his best friend. Okay, yeah, so drama. And yes, tv, fictional, don't get all worked up, but I can't help it. I yell at the tv, just ask the husband.

Watch it sometime. After you see it can you guess who are my favorite characters? Hello!, of course Cristina is one. The fact that she is with Dr. Burke, the asian and african american love going on, just is too exciting for me. It's fabulous to see an interracial couple on prime time, and on top of that they are smart, diverse, and compliment each other. Dr. Bailey is awesome, did you see the episode where she said va-jay-jay?

Check out the blog the writers of the show started, it's an insightful look into their episodes and how they make decisions about the show. www.greyswriters.com

Apple Cider Chicken

Here's the recipe I promised you.

Apple Cider Chicken
Ingredients: 1/2 c. apple cider
1 1/2 t. cornstarch
1 T. honey
1 T. mustard (I used dijon)
1 c. breadcrumbs
2 chicken breasts (I butterfly them, slice them in half)
1 apple, sliced - don't use red delicious or rome apples
1/2 c. chicken broth
olive oil
some flour
2 eggs
salt
pepper
* serve over cooked rice

Directions: Whisk together the cider, cornstarch, mustard, and honey. Set aside.

This is how I always bread my chicken, it never fails me. In a large skillet coat the bottom of the pan in olive oil over medium heat. Set out three plates and on the first put about 1/2 c. of flour, the second 2 eggs beaten, and the third is for the bread crumbs. Take the chicken breasts and dredge them in flour, then dip them in the egg, and finally roll them in the bread crumbs. Cook them in the skillet until they are browned and no longer pink inside. Set the chicken aside on a platter while you make the sauce.

To the same skillet add the apple slices, add the chicken broth and deglaze the pan. Stir everything around and get all the browned bits off the bottom of the pan. Cook until the apples are soft, but still slightly firm. Add the cider mixture to the skillet, let simmer until thickened and reduce the heat to low. Salt and pepper to taste. Spoon the sauce over the chicken and rice.